Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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