Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Holy sore nipples Batman
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
