Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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