Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
