I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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