The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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