I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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