Moan for me like Helen Keller
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize