yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
