Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize