I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
