i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
