I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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