So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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