I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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