Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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