I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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