I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
