I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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