OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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