Your face is a jimmy john
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
