i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize