I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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