I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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