how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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