What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
someone threw a dead crab at me
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
