I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
