I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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