Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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