Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize