I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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