Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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