I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
All I want is dick and wine.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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