Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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