today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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