I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
