I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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