I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
