im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
