girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
