I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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