I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
