she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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