just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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