Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
