yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
