It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
