I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
