Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
