She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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