I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
