I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There r osticjed everywhere
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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