Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
