Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
