i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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