Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He? As in you personified your dick?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
