Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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